proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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