Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
