Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
