so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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