So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
