I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
