im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
