too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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