You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
