dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
