when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
