i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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