from now on my penis is your penis
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
