He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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