Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there's paper in my vomit.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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