I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
