I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
