Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
