At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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