I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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