This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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