You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
