Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
