new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
