Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
