I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
