I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
