he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
