Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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