Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
