i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
