I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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