So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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