I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
