My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
