when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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