So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
