if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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