Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
