There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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