I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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