good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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