I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
