if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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