if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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