I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
