If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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