I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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