I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
