I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
